Families Change Form

Divorce is tough. I have been divorced and would never want to go through it again. But the fact is – Marriages end.

You can decide divorce is awful and you will all suffer terribly, there will be gut wrenching heartbreak and oh God , the children ……..

Or – you can stand in a more peaceful, powerful perspective

Families change form.

It is not what you expected or hoped for, and yes change is difficult and challenging. It is sad when things do not go according to plan. But the heart can be a fickle thing when blended with the myriad of emotions and experiences that affect us all everyday.

“I love him,  I am just no longer in love with him,  somehow “

“She is a wonderful mother, we just can’t connect anymore when it is just the two of us.”

Many couples fall out of love. We don’t always know why.

Maybe you were not compatible. Maybe, through the years you grew to experience life totally differently, to the point where you have little in common. Maybe your two glorious lives were supposed to come together just to create these fabulous children! Who knows? Much of life is a mystery.

Commit to counseling  if you both are willing, read Harville Hendricks insightful book ‘Getting the Love You Want’ . Try a relationship workshop as they can often assist in getting a willing couple back on the same track,  as well as help us see ourselves differently. Read Manuel Ruiz’s ‘Mastery of Love’  his simple clear writing style and message are inspiring.

But if it does not work. And you believe it cannot work – divorce does not need to be a dirty word or an experience that needs to rip you, your family, your finances or your future into a million little pieces. Face your truth.

Families change form

You can powerfully choose your own your truth,  and peacefully move into a new concept of  how your family can operate.

My family is proof of that.

I’ve been there, I can help.

Eileenchamberscoaching.com

 

When To Leave

Marriage means so many different things to each of us.

By it’s very nature marriage is your most vulnerable relationship. A great marriage is therapeutic and restorative, it encourages you to crack open dark hidden corners of yourself and lay bare some of your deepest most intimate secrets. Your partner can be a source of deep healing and personal growth. Trust, intimacy, transparency and humor can unite you early on in your relationship to ground and enable each of you to become better stronger individuals and partners.

Unfortunately the opposite can also be true. Sometimes deep intimacies prove fickle, trust is violated and those very confidences shared in private are used to invalidate or disparage you. Often you notice early on and sometimes over time, that a partner you believed valued you has become dismissive or neglectful. The intimacy you thought you shared has become a destructive, malicious tool used to tear you apart. Your spouse is a stranger to you for reasons you cannot quite grasp.

Ask yourself these questions.

Are you or your spouse or partner incapable of hearing, understanding, or participating in a conversation about the state of your relationship?

Are you spending more and more of your time worrying about issues like emotional cruelty, anger, desertion or excessive control?

Is he or she denying obvious problems  or avoiding your plea for attention and or help?

Are there pretty clear signs that neither you nor your partnership are being respected?

Has communication become demoralizing or contemptuous?

Is there unrepentant adultery or other signs of extra marital behavior?

Are you living with an addicted, narcissistic, disengaged partner?

If the answer to a few of these questions is yes. It is time to get some help.

By all means try therapy, together or alone. If your partner will not get an outsiders perspective, you must. Do not wait for things to improve. No relationship heals when only one of you is up for the work.

If addiction or mental illness is an issue, do your best to offer the resources your partner needs, because you cannot heal them, no matter how hard you try. The ultimate responsibility for their life and health lies with them.

Take a hard look at yourself. This is where the healing begins.

It is your best chance of experiencing the connection, trust and intimacy you deserve.

Emotional Hijack

 

It is like a flint to a match. That one thing that sends you from zero to ass in 0.2 seconds. That thing that they do, he does, she does – That nagging storyline in your head that, if triggered  (often by an unrelated set of circumstances) can send you to bitch and back before you even know what hit you.

Emotional hijack.

Emotional hijack is when your subconscious belief layer gets triggered by a current happening that you (often inappropriately ) take personally; and usually your own certain brand of  “hell have no fury” ensues. Crying, fleeing, blow ups and melt downs of all sorts occur. Often.

Not good.

Especially when you realize embarrassingly, several moments or sometimes several days later ~that the events, attitudes or comments you chose (rather narcissistically) to make about you, had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Squirm.

Reason enough I hope, to get clearer on what is going on with that tape that is playing in your head!

Start noticing what gets you agitated, self conscious or upset. What do you fear the most? What do you reel against? What are you afraid others are thinking about you?

Often, these are the very things that you are thinking about you. And most likely, you are behaving into that thought; sending out all sorts of non verbal messages to all with whom you come into contact.

“They don’t like me.”  Do you like you? What’s not to like? Look. Hard.

“She/He does not love me”  When do I not show myself respect and love?

“They don’t include me. They don’t want me around”  Do I  show up as a member of the team? Or do I stand alone, victimized, separate? Would I want to be around me the way I show up to them?

What do you want? To be a victim?

Good luck. You will wear even the kindest and most patient among us out. Trust me.

If you want love. Be loving and aware of the whole of life; most things are not about you. If love does not appear, change your crowd. If you want to be included? Show up differently; not to your old withered storyline, waiting for rejection and flipping out at the first sign of it. Be present to all that is going on around you.

Simmer. Be part of it all.

Keep your stuff in check. Relax and laugh at your former self obsession.

You may not always create the circumstances but you create the experience of your life.

What do you want?

eileenchamberscoaching.com

 

You Can Face It

When unpleasant situations keep occurring and reoccurring, you are not being punished

 There is an issue that needs your full engagement

…something is trying to get your attention.

Life sends you signals like a lighthouse to a ship –

some are warnings to prepare for a stormy patch ahead – sometimes just a heads up to change your course – often, an opposing wave rocks you to your core but you are crouched in the corner, eyes clenched shut, hands clamped firmly over your ears — no words or light allowed

Sometimes the rough waters are thrilling….  (for now anyway) you are enjoying the choppy sea ~purposefully looking the other way, praying the searchlight won’t find you.

There is a lesson even in this aimless drifting…

 You want to walk down the same street, fall into the same hole, bleed from and curse your wounds

It’s familiar, Your Pain…

It is how you are choosing to learn. It is how you are choosing to grow into a  formidable human soul

Yikes. Ouch. Okay. There are easier ways, but until you wake up

There may be a story, like “They don’t understand” or “I couldn’t possibly….”

 “I can’t  X (leave him;tell her;be honest),  because  Y (I can’t make it on my own; consider the kids; she’ll hate me; they’ll not accept me) “

Let me give you some advice. Turn the story around

“I must leave him – even though I am afraid I cannot make it on my own….”

“I must tell her the truth about how I feel, even though I know she may hate me for awhile…”

“I must consider my kids and get out of here – so we don’t raise them to become bitter, angry, distrustful people or partners…”

See how it feels to play out different scenarios?

Letting your truth and your personal values be your guide.

Action always feel more empowering than inaction. But action based on the truth comes from a place of quiet contemplation, relinquishing the old, stuck, miserable storyline, and seeking fresh, different perspectives to improve the quality of your life.

Yes things may get messy. You may offend people, break hearts, and leave people behind….

You want a better happier life?

Step out of the old and stuck. Breath deeply many times a day – consciously seek new perspectives, ideas and alternatives to your current situation. Cut yourself some slack, we all get lost in the story we tell ourselves…

If you are honest with yourself, formulate a solid plan, and stay true to your self ~

Life will show you where to go…

All I want is to get Married

Really? Is that All you want?

All I want is to get married, be happy and to have a family

I know you want to get married, most of us do; but first be certain there is no little voice in your head weaving little stories…..

There is the “he’ll stop partying once we get married story” or the” he loves me more than I love him, so I can do anything I want because he’ll never leave me story “. There is the “I am not really attracted to him in that way, but we are really good friends” story or the “he doesn’t care that I (bad habit)”, story.

There is the “I can’t do it in my own, story” or the “if I don’t marry him there won’t be anyone else” story.

The “I am 35!!!”  story and the “if I don’t find him in my twenties all the good ones will be gone story ”

Ugh…

There is the “she’s a really good girl” story and the “I love her family” story. There is the “I don’t know, it just seems right” story and the ” look at her! She’s gorgeous” story. The “all my friends are already married…” story

And of course…

The “she won’t ( bad habit) once we’re married” or  “if she does it won’t bug me as much” even though it drives me crazy and makes me crazy now ”

The  “she’ll care more about (xxx) once we’re married” so “(xxx) won’t make me so crazy” story.

Yea, those little nagging voices inform us. Have the courage to listen. Because those little idiosyncrasies can and will effect the quality of the marriage and family you so desperately want. You know that.  Pounding, smashing and trying to grind that round peg into that square hole to make your dream of a family come true makes for pounding, smashing and grinding… Not the atmosphere of a happy marriage and cohesive family.

We may be good people but not always be good for one another. Some of us get it before we marry, some after. It’s okay. Just own it. Families and relationships change form.

What’s your backstory? Tell yourself your truth. Relationships and family life can be relatively easy and fun or really, really tough.

Square pegs fit best in square holes. Round pegs in round ones.  Life is tough enough, find a partner that fits, it makes the happy family part so much easier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conditioning

Look in the mirror.

You are a product of your conditioning. Day in and day out the old audio and video tapes play. Mom, Dad and Aunt Sue; magazine covers, cultural icons and that bitchy boss at the office who looks like the cover of a magazine. Your husband, your wife, your know-it-all best friend….

Ahhhhh…….

This is what you are up against. Not the people, or the press; but what your mind does with the messages you take in. We all have conditioned responses to our pressure points, those sensitive places that make us feel exceptionally vulnerable.

And everyone’s pressure points are different.

Ninety percent of our thinking is automatic. Your automatic programming assumes, projects and creates all sorts of different scenarios and opinions day in and day out about everything and everyone with whom you come in contact… And your perspective will be the opposite of someone else’s simply because you have walked down different streets and mourned different loss.

There are thousands of ways to live this human life and yours gets to be exclusive to you.

Okay, I digress.

My point is, there are hundreds of concepts and tools I can share with you – but unless you relax your mind enough to use them – conditioning wins every time.

Seriously, there is an easy way.

Learn to sit for 5 minutes 2 x a day. No posture. Nothing fancy. Sit alone and watch the barrage of thoughts, opinions, ideas, fears and just plain buzz that goes on between those two gorgeous ears of yours. And after just a few days you will start to hear, as if you are a person within a person, the automatic gibberish vs. the Grounded Self. (yes, you have a grounded self)  You’ll know the grounded self by the ” Seriously? I’m going back there ?  Again?” And again and again…….gibberish ..same old gossip, same old negative judgmental crap.

Relax your mind enough to hear the repetitive quality of your thinking, to see for the first time, that you are not thinking all this tedious nonsensical stuff by choice ! It just runs on autopilot until you become conscious of it ~ then it runs for the shadows (another post).

You will, the more you simmer down and just be with your thoughts, begin to see the YOU behind all the nonsense. The conscious, present, creator of the Divine You…

Then, you can get to creating beyond all the noise…

 

Eileenchamberscoaching.com