Numb Is Not a Feeling

Shellshocked. Blindsided. Rug out. Can’t breathe…

Numb, is not a feeling.  Betrayal (or worse, self betrayal) may have you feeling tiny and small. Shame may have you numbing yourself with all kinds of bad stuff just trying to keep difficult feelings at bay. You may have lost or fear you are loosing your job, your position or a person you so loved you can barely breathe — let alone face how horrible it feels.

Do you feel like the feelings that help you process and facilitate your life have abandoned you? Or are you pushing away the feelings you are having out of guilt, shame or fear?

Understand this

1. Feelings just are. You can’t choose how you feel, feeling and sensations just come; they are not good or bad.

2. Feeling hate or fury does not make you a terrible person, anymore than feeling gratitude and love makes you a good person.

3. Feelings (pretty or not) show you how you are thinking these days. What’s resonating with you and what just isn’t! Who is pissing you off and who you want to be with. Feelings ALL OF THEM are a crucial part of your navigation system, they help you interpret your current life circumstance and it’s meaning. Having access to ALL of them is crucial.

4. Numb is not a feeling. When life blindsides you or when life and relationship situations just plain wear you down, numbing the pain can often become an invisible process. Feelings just seem too tough – running from them or numbing with wine or pills can feel like a relief.

Hear me, every problem you have is a question a quality in you trying to emerge.

Start small.

Stop seeking answers outside of you. Focus inside your self.

Ask yourself. What feels so bad? What am I avoiding?

Your life has chosen a new path. Change is in the offing – a seed has been planted, amid all this chaos, numbness and sadness.

You are there. You’ll come back. You matter.

It’s going to be okay.

Life changes form.

Families Change Form

Divorce is tough. I have been divorced and would never want to go through it again. But the fact is – Marriages end.

You can decide divorce is awful and you will all suffer terribly, there will be gut wrenching heartbreak and oh God , the children ……..

Or – you can stand in a more peaceful, powerful perspective

Families change form.

It is not what you expected or hoped for, and yes change is difficult and challenging. It is sad when things do not go according to plan. But the heart can be a fickle thing when blended with the myriad of emotions and experiences that affect us all everyday.

“I love him,  I am just no longer in love with him,  somehow “

“She is a wonderful mother, we just can’t connect anymore when it is just the two of us.”

Many couples fall out of love. We don’t always know why.

Maybe you were not compatible. Maybe, through the years you grew to experience life totally differently, to the point where you have little in common. Maybe your two glorious lives were supposed to come together just to create these fabulous children! Who knows? Much of life is a mystery.

Commit to counseling  if you both are willing, read Harville Hendricks insightful book ‘Getting the Love You Want’ . Try a relationship workshop as they can often assist in getting a willing couple back on the same track,  as well as help us see ourselves differently. Read Manuel Ruiz’s ‘Mastery of Love’  his simple clear writing style and message are inspiring.

But if it does not work. And you believe it cannot work – divorce does not need to be a dirty word or an experience that needs to rip you, your family, your finances or your future into a million little pieces. Face your truth.

Families change form

You can powerfully choose your own your truth,  and peacefully move into a new concept of  how your family can operate.

My family is proof of that.

I’ve been there, I can help.

Eileenchamberscoaching.com

 

When To Leave

Marriage means so many different things to each of us.

By it’s very nature marriage is your most vulnerable relationship. A great marriage is therapeutic and restorative, it encourages you to crack open dark hidden corners of yourself and lay bare some of your deepest most intimate secrets. Your partner can be a source of deep healing and personal growth. Trust, intimacy, transparency and humor can unite you early on in your relationship to ground and enable each of you to become better stronger individuals and partners.

Unfortunately the opposite can also be true. Sometimes deep intimacies prove fickle, trust is violated and those very confidences shared in private are used to invalidate or disparage you. Often you notice early on and sometimes over time, that a partner you believed valued you has become dismissive or neglectful. The intimacy you thought you shared has become a destructive, malicious tool used to tear you apart. Your spouse is a stranger to you for reasons you cannot quite grasp.

Ask yourself these questions.

Are you or your spouse or partner incapable of hearing, understanding, or participating in a conversation about the state of your relationship?

Are you spending more and more of your time worrying about issues like emotional cruelty, anger, desertion or excessive control?

Is he or she denying obvious problems  or avoiding your plea for attention and or help?

Are there pretty clear signs that neither you nor your partnership are being respected?

Has communication become demoralizing or contemptuous?

Is there unrepentant adultery or other signs of extra marital behavior?

Are you living with an addicted, narcissistic, disengaged partner?

If the answer to a few of these questions is yes. It is time to get some help.

By all means try therapy, together or alone. If your partner will not get an outsiders perspective, you must. Do not wait for things to improve. No relationship heals when only one of you is up for the work.

If addiction or mental illness is an issue, do your best to offer the resources your partner needs, because you cannot heal them, no matter how hard you try. The ultimate responsibility for their life and health lies with them.

Take a hard look at yourself. This is where the healing begins.

It is your best chance of experiencing the connection, trust and intimacy you deserve.

Emotional Hijack

 

It is like a flint to a match. That one thing that sends you from zero to ass in 0.2 seconds. That thing that they do, he does, she does – That nagging storyline in your head that, if triggered  (often by an unrelated set of circumstances) can send you to bitch and back before you even know what hit you.

Emotional hijack.

Emotional hijack is when your subconscious belief layer gets triggered by a current happening that you (often inappropriately ) take personally; and usually your own certain brand of  “hell have no fury” ensues. Crying, fleeing, blow ups and melt downs of all sorts occur. Often.

Not good.

Especially when you realize embarrassingly, several moments or sometimes several days later ~that the events, attitudes or comments you chose (rather narcissistically) to make about you, had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Squirm.

Reason enough I hope, to get clearer on what is going on with that tape that is playing in your head!

Start noticing what gets you agitated, self conscious or upset. What do you fear the most? What do you reel against? What are you afraid others are thinking about you?

Often, these are the very things that you are thinking about you. And most likely, you are behaving into that thought; sending out all sorts of non verbal messages to all with whom you come into contact.

“They don’t like me.”  Do you like you? What’s not to like? Look. Hard.

“She/He does not love me”  When do I not show myself respect and love?

“They don’t include me. They don’t want me around”  Do I  show up as a member of the team? Or do I stand alone, victimized, separate? Would I want to be around me the way I show up to them?

What do you want? To be a victim?

Good luck. You will wear even the kindest and most patient among us out. Trust me.

If you want love. Be loving and aware of the whole of life; most things are not about you. If love does not appear, change your crowd. If you want to be included? Show up differently; not to your old withered storyline, waiting for rejection and flipping out at the first sign of it. Be present to all that is going on around you.

Simmer. Be part of it all.

Keep your stuff in check. Relax and laugh at your former self obsession.

You may not always create the circumstances but you create the experience of your life.

What do you want?

eileenchamberscoaching.com

 

You Can Face It

When unpleasant situations keep occurring and reoccurring, you are not being punished

 There is an issue that needs your full engagement

…something is trying to get your attention.

Life sends you signals like a lighthouse to a ship –

some are warnings to prepare for a stormy patch ahead – sometimes just a heads up to change your course – often, an opposing wave rocks you to your core but you are crouched in the corner, eyes clenched shut, hands clamped firmly over your ears — no words or light allowed

Sometimes the rough waters are thrilling….  (for now anyway) you are enjoying the choppy sea ~purposefully looking the other way, praying the searchlight won’t find you.

There is a lesson even in this aimless drifting…

 You want to walk down the same street, fall into the same hole, bleed from and curse your wounds

It’s familiar, Your Pain…

It is how you are choosing to learn. It is how you are choosing to grow into a  formidable human soul

Yikes. Ouch. Okay. There are easier ways, but until you wake up

There may be a story, like “They don’t understand” or “I couldn’t possibly….”

 “I can’t  X (leave him;tell her;be honest),  because  Y (I can’t make it on my own; consider the kids; she’ll hate me; they’ll not accept me) “

Let me give you some advice. Turn the story around

“I must leave him – even though I am afraid I cannot make it on my own….”

“I must tell her the truth about how I feel, even though I know she may hate me for awhile…”

“I must consider my kids and get out of here – so we don’t raise them to become bitter, angry, distrustful people or partners…”

See how it feels to play out different scenarios?

Letting your truth and your personal values be your guide.

Action always feel more empowering than inaction. But action based on the truth comes from a place of quiet contemplation, relinquishing the old, stuck, miserable storyline, and seeking fresh, different perspectives to improve the quality of your life.

Yes things may get messy. You may offend people, break hearts, and leave people behind….

You want a better happier life?

Step out of the old and stuck. Breath deeply many times a day – consciously seek new perspectives, ideas and alternatives to your current situation. Cut yourself some slack, we all get lost in the story we tell ourselves…

If you are honest with yourself, formulate a solid plan, and stay true to your self ~

Life will show you where to go…

All I want is to get Married

Really? Is that All you want?

All I want is to get married, be happy and to have a family

I know you want to get married, most of us do; but first be certain there is no little voice in your head weaving little stories…..

There is the “he’ll stop partying once we get married story” or the” he loves me more than I love him, so I can do anything I want because he’ll never leave me story “. There is the “I am not really attracted to him in that way, but we are really good friends” story or the “he doesn’t care that I (bad habit)”, story.

There is the “I can’t do it in my own, story” or the “if I don’t marry him there won’t be anyone else” story.

The “I am 35!!!”  story and the “if I don’t find him in my twenties all the good ones will be gone story ”

Ugh…

There is the “she’s a really good girl” story and the “I love her family” story. There is the “I don’t know, it just seems right” story and the ” look at her! She’s gorgeous” story. The “all my friends are already married…” story

And of course…

The “she won’t ( bad habit) once we’re married” or  “if she does it won’t bug me as much” even though it drives me crazy and makes me crazy now ”

The  “she’ll care more about (xxx) once we’re married” so “(xxx) won’t make me so crazy” story.

Yea, those little nagging voices inform us. Have the courage to listen. Because those little idiosyncrasies can and will effect the quality of the marriage and family you so desperately want. You know that.  Pounding, smashing and trying to grind that round peg into that square hole to make your dream of a family come true makes for pounding, smashing and grinding… Not the atmosphere of a happy marriage and cohesive family.

We may be good people but not always be good for one another. Some of us get it before we marry, some after. It’s okay. Just own it. Families and relationships change form.

What’s your backstory? Tell yourself your truth. Relationships and family life can be relatively easy and fun or really, really tough.

Square pegs fit best in square holes. Round pegs in round ones.  Life is tough enough, find a partner that fits, it makes the happy family part so much easier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Conditioning

Look in the mirror.

You are a product of your conditioning. Day in and day out the old audio and video tapes play. Mom, Dad and Aunt Sue; magazine covers, cultural icons and that bitchy boss at the office who looks like the cover of a magazine. Your husband, your wife, your know-it-all best friend….

Ahhhhh…….

This is what you are up against. Not the people, or the press; but what your mind does with the messages you take in. We all have conditioned responses to our pressure points, those sensitive places that make us feel exceptionally vulnerable.

And everyone’s pressure points are different.

Ninety percent of our thinking is automatic. Your automatic programming assumes, projects and creates all sorts of different scenarios and opinions day in and day out about everything and everyone with whom you come in contact… And your perspective will be the opposite of someone else’s simply because you have walked down different streets and mourned different loss.

There are thousands of ways to live this human life and yours gets to be exclusive to you.

Okay, I digress.

My point is, there are hundreds of concepts and tools I can share with you – but unless you relax your mind enough to use them – conditioning wins every time.

Seriously, there is an easy way.

Learn to sit for 5 minutes 2 x a day. No posture. Nothing fancy. Sit alone and watch the barrage of thoughts, opinions, ideas, fears and just plain buzz that goes on between those two gorgeous ears of yours. And after just a few days you will start to hear, as if you are a person within a person, the automatic gibberish vs. the Grounded Self. (yes, you have a grounded self)  You’ll know the grounded self by the ” Seriously? I’m going back there ?  Again?” And again and again…….gibberish ..same old gossip, same old negative judgmental crap.

Relax your mind enough to hear the repetitive quality of your thinking, to see for the first time, that you are not thinking all this tedious nonsensical stuff by choice ! It just runs on autopilot until you become conscious of it ~ then it runs for the shadows (another post).

You will, the more you simmer down and just be with your thoughts, begin to see the YOU behind all the nonsense. The conscious, present, creator of the Divine You…

Then, you can get to creating beyond all the noise…

 

Eileenchamberscoaching.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Always Liked Elephants in the Room. They made me less lonely…

There is an odd comfort to knowing……..

It Isn’t Over.       Yet.

He Isn’t Gone.      Yet

She’s not that bad.     Yet.

The money’s not all gone.    Yet.

Why do you deny your own reality ?

Simply put

You deny because it cushions the blow…

You deny because you really do not want to believe that person you love (or think you love) would leave you; or that child you have nurtured has disappointed you; or the sibling or parent or lover you have carefully placed on a golden pedestal and protected at all cost has the capacity to betray themselves and therefore you. You deny because you always believed the firm would never let you go; that the money would eventually come; that tomorrow things will be better ….

Tricky thing about denial ?

The act of denial is the very thing keeping you from creating the tomorrow you say you want!

Because you are creating  your tomorrow — Today

If you are anything like me anyway , I hated change. I resisted it even as I was living it! I  ignored, denied, rationalized, and bargained with myself.  Selling my soul. Pretending and waiting for  “it”  to get better tomorrow. Begging God, that I would face “it” when there was more time, more kindness, more money… more of anything than I currently possessed  in that moment.

Are you struggling to face the inevitable? Are you terrified about loosing someone or something you thought you would always have? Are you believing the story you tell yourself? The one that everything works out  according to plan – even as your current reality implodes around you?

That may even be too dramatic

Maybe things are just a little off, and you cannot seem to get your hands around why… or what …. So, you keep putting it out of your mind, shut it off, ignoring the obvious although it is obvious and you know that you are ignoring it…

I have a download for this that may help you. You can join as a member and download free of charge or buy it as a single. I am available for personal coaching and I list a number of organizations and books you can read to learn more.

Whatever you choose, go easy on yourself as you ease your way out of the fog. The only way out is through. There has never been a storm that has not passed. But facing the storm, eyes and heart wide open is the only way. I did it. You can too.

eileenchamberscoaching.com

My Beautiful Disaster

I was co- dependent. I still do not like that term, but for lack of a better one, I’ll use it.

Co-dependent means that I was more concerned with what was happening in other people’s lives than what was happening in my own life. As a co-dependent person, I was not adept at identifying and resolving my own problems. I was obsessed and tormented with the problems of others; often when the other could care less.

The term was developed to describe the non drinking member of an alcoholic couple and sought to illustrate the unhealthy pattern of vacating ones own needs for the needs of the addict. However, this lack of personal boundaries, inability to say no, and generally allowing oneself to be trampled on and tormented by another’s behavior, is not exclusive to alcoholic families. It can happen unwittingly in relatively healthy families as well.

How did I become codependent?

Who knows? Personality, birth order, conditioning? I was the middle female member of a very large family flanked by boys,  I rolled up my sleeves and helped my mother take care of everyone. I was not conditioned to think of myself first, I assume my mother wasn’t either. The difference between me and other girls in my shoes?

It became a pattern of coping with my life.

My behavior as a helpful loving daughter, became over time an obsession with rescuing others from their self created disasters. I fell hard for troubled, needy, narcissistic people and married one. I was people pleasing and care taking other people. I had an inability to directly and truthfully communicate with other people my needs, lest I hurt them. Therefore, I hurt them.

Life went  to hell in a hand basket at 31.

I sought help. Not the easy choice. But the better choice.I shifted my focus from others to me. I learned new ways of interacting with people. I became my own center. I stopped rescuing people. I found new friends. I became doggedly self aware with rock solid boundaries. I learned to tell the truth with compassion, directly and without shame. I cared deeply for others, but I let their problems be their own – people are not projects – their learning is their learning, not mine.

I heart wrenchingly divorced the beautiful disaster who taught me this horrendous lesson…

I learned to know and love myself, so I could appropriately love others. I learned to honor myself as I honored the Unknowable Energy that created me.

I now sit with myself everyday and listen deeply. How am I doing? Am I experiencing the life I want? Am I treating myself with loving kindness? Am I surrounded with people I trust and enjoy? Am I being trampled upon by anyone?

I believe there is another lesson here.

If you have children, give only age appropriate responsibility. Some kids love the attention of being ” the  good girl (or boy)”  super responsible for the lives, the space, and/or the behavior of other siblings or family members. Generosity is great to a point, but people who love and appreciate themselves share loving energy with the world naturally. We do not want self obsessed children; but we want self reflective ones. Teach self care,  share self management tools, encourage exploration of strengths and talents, assist in formulating hobbies that excite. Help your child by setting a strong example. Live a life of generosity and self consideration. Set boundaries, have joyful healthy contributive relationships, prioritize engagements and take precious time for your self.

You’ll be glad you did.

 

 

What You Focus On Grows

I know, he is annoying. That thing he does. And, I know, he does it everyday, often,  many times.

Ughhhhh……

You know that book “The Secret” everyone was reading a few years back? The one that said what you focus on and throw energy toward cannot help but create sunshine and roses? Wealth and abundance? Yes. It’s true, if you attach a powerful idea with an equally powerful feeling about that idea,  your body becomes an energy field that cannot help but attract more of what you are thinking about….

Uh oh.

I don’t know about you, but all it takes is him doing that one little annoying thing some days …. that can set my thinking, feeling, emotional, nutty, crazy, explosive like a nuclear reactor system off so quickly and so like a tidal wave that neither he, nor I, the kids, the neighbors or I swear even God knows what hit us !!!!!

Ugh.

So, heads up. It works both ways. We can attract a boatload of trouble if we do not watch how quickly those little things that bother us, can take on a herculean power when they are not addressed.

I am not saying change another person’s behavior; you can’t, usually. You are responsible for your reactions to that behavior. Work with your own thinking; talk with your spouse; try to reframe the issue’ or learn to put it in the pile of  ‘that is just part of what makes her who she is….’

No one is by design, trying to annoy you. We all have bad habits. You included, you are no walk in the park either, may I remind you. Neither am I. Laundry on the floor? Put it under his pillow. Dishes in the sink? Find a time to do them together, or trade off the dishes with your least desired task.

I am not saying to do someone else’s job who is vacating their responsibility to you or your relationship; there is a difference between someone who is deliberately vacating their responsibilities and someone who has benign ( albeit annoying ) and inconsiderate habits.

For these, we need to try to bridge the gap; try to lighten up the space and let some air into this heated energy field. Try to bring some light and levity around an issue of focus that may have become the focus of an inordinate amount of your attention. These little issues if not addressed, pile up over the years and can yield a field of resentment within us and our partners from which we cannot recover.

Be disciplined. Address issues head on collaboratively. Lighten up and have fun working them out! It builds trust and strengthens all that you want to see grow in your relationships.

What you focus on grows. It’s true.